Lost…

I feel lost…in the sea of emotions…i feel to many things at the same time, it’s making my head ache, it’s crushing my heart, and making tears fall down my pillow…

Christmas day is supposed to be one my favorite part of the year…but why all these pain, why all this sadness, why the loneliness?

i have been looking forward to this christmas but i ended up frustrated, disappointed, hurt and oh so longing for the love that has always made me feel alive, and wondering what could i ever do more when i’ve felt like i’ve done so much, and given everything i have, and done everything i know.

i wish to have the wisdom to know what to do…to stop all these hurts…and to stop all these tears…

the sound of silence

The sound of silence…deafening, heart breaking, tormenting…

The sound of silence, is all i can hear now, other than the loud humming sound of the airconditioning unit right at the left side of my face…other than that perfect silence.

i spend each day waking up, eating my 9:30 breakfast, watching a few televison shows, sometimes facing the pc and browsing the net, and then total silence. I live in such a big house, but i feel so empty being in it…that’s why i look forward to occassions when i go out with friends, and enjoy being me, and laugh to my hearts content…and that’s why i  love being with my partz, coz it feels like being with him is the only time when silence can be so golden.

it’s a pity how sad life can become even when ur in the midst of your family. Sometimes i feel lost, so out of place, and i pretend to be someone other than the real me just to please those within my home, and to not say the things you’ve been longing to blurt out. i’ve tried a number of times, and it always turned against me, and now i’ve resinged to not talking at all…How sad, because i’m a person who  loves to say how i feel and what i think is right, but i’ve allowed myself to hush up when i’m in the four corners of my house. Oh, how i long to reach out and bridge the gap that has become so wide, but i can not push myself to do so. I just have built such high walls after all the overwhelming things that has happened in our lives that i have found it so hard for me to reach out, so hard for me to give in…so many pent up anger, frustrations…that it has becomes a little  hard for me to forgive..

at times, i feel happy, some times i’m just passive, but there are those times which are just so intolerable…when your together in a room but then so silent…just like now…

the sound of silence…can be so excruciating…