some very strong emotions

a few weeks ago, i received a very disturbing email from a friend…it brewed up a lot of emotions inside my heart that i soooo badly wanted to write a blog about it the very moment i finished reading it..but i restrained myself for security reasons…don’t wanna jeopardize things for her..don’t wanna cause any trouble..after reading that very upsetting email, my emotions went berserk that they so so desperately wanted to be unleashed and my fingers were oh so damn itching to beat the keys up of my ramshackle keyboard.huh!! i terribly wanted to reply instantaneously to her message  but unfortunately my ever so beautiful sister..not!!(heheh..joke ate yo!) had to use the pc..shish!! and for the next few days, my siblings had been playing online games non-stop, so i was again not able to use the pc..and when i finally was able to have the computer all to myself, yahoomail wo’nt f**kin’ open! huh! the frustration!! so the thursday that week, i had a 4 hour break and i was finally able to let loose all those pent up emotions..i am a person who just can’t help but show or vent out how i feel if i strongly believe in something..so my reply to her was rather long and it was on fire..her eyes might have burned reading it..heheh..i remembered telling my students during the 1st few days of class when we were talking about the overview of social psychology and conformity, and i told them, "i know it’s natural for people to try to conform, who wants to be be the butt of the joke "alin, alin, alin ang naiba?" right?..and it’s natural for people to avoid conflict..but i’ve always stressed out  not to ever compromise their values or what they strongly believe in just because it is what’s popular or because that somebody involved is your friend..if you know something’s wrong, and you feel so intensely about it, then voice it out, God gave you your mouth to not let your saliva go stale but for you to be able to express what you truly feel!" i remembered having a friend and she was in pain because of an asshole, and when i talk to her, i don’t give her those sweet words of comfort..i give her the real deal,, i tell her she’s stupid (though not in a very harsh manner hah!) for believing in things the asshole was telling her..i wanted to knock her back to reality..and would sweet words do that?!! a big NO! I don’t believe you really are a true friend when you  allow yourself to be blinded or allow yourself to be ok with things, when in fact they are not, and you just keep mum about it..i don’t think you are a true friend when you should have been jolting the person back into the real word, but you’re going with the flow, or you’re not doing anything to keep her from staying in that depressing state or your indulging her stupidity…well of course, you must not carelessly lash out harsh words to her..if you’re a real friend then you know what i’m talking about…need not explain further..

ok, what i’m gonna write here is not about what happened to the people involved but rather on the general theme of that correspondence..and i’m airing out some of the things that i felt so strongly about..and i sure damn wish she posts her blog that i was fortunate enough to read..huh!! just very well written and oh so damn powerful!! sent shivers down my spine! just can’t wait to have people read about it and feel the intensity of her writings..go ma’am!! ok goin back…

cheating…

"cheating implies the breaking of rules. many people consider cheating to be any violation to the mutually agreed upon rules or boundaries of a relationship"

cheating just stirs up a lot of sentiments from me…coming from a broken family, who would wonder why i’m so fired up when it comes to this topic right?

me and my friend came to a critical component of cheating especially if you already have little tykes with you.. i am just so enraged with people saying "STAY TOGETHER FOR THE KIDS!! that’s just absurd! that’s garbage! that’s baloney!! whoever made that principle that staying together even if your at each other’s throat or are acting as if the other is not around is damn healthy for the kids?! that’s so f*$kin’ old school!! and it just does not f*%kin’ work! saw my lovely parents stay under one roof and acting like they’re ready to jump each other’s back, and it was awful! So please lang, for those still stuck with this notion, GET A LIFE!!!

most people in relationships, when they are cheated upon, or when their significant other does something that would really hurt them,physical, emotional, verbal abuse, or whatever situation for that matter, they get hurt, of course who wouldn’t right? but instead of doing anything about it, they wallow in their sadness and pretend everything’s ok..or deny the pain and act ok, in fear of losing their beloved..but that’s gibberish! why the hell would you just sit still and not do anything about it just because you’re scared like shit that you’d lose the person you love? when i was in college, we were fortunate to attend a seminar about love, and i even wrote an article about it in our psyc publication: when we fall in love, we merge ego boundaries with our beloved..however there are people who become immensely engrossed with the merger that they forget their own selves..some just become too immersed in the union, that they sometimes lose their identities. it’s like they are so defined by the "US" that they forget the "I" already. it’s like they think they are incomplete without the other..but that’s ridiculous!!! that notion that we are halves, and up until we find somebody would we then be whole…CRAP!!! that’s just bull!! To those fans of the Jerry Maguire line, "YOU COMPLETE ME!", shame on you!! Why the hell do we need somebody to complete us?! If that’s the case, if something bad happens, like being cheated upon, being abused, they can’t do anything, or they just won’t do anything, even if it’s hurting like hell, because they’re scared that if they do something, it might make their other half leave or dump them for good..Or it’s ok NALANG to be hurt or be trampled upon rather than losing the other person..coz the "other person completes you lagi!" huh!! that’s rubbish!! Don’t lose yourself in the relationship, don’t let your self be defined by the relationship alone. Coz if it vanishes, what would be left of you?! Nothing na nuon! hala, those people who kill themselves because of love, just a case of lost identity…just because of that stupid "YOU COMPLETE ME" adage! puh-leazzze, before you met your wife, your husband, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, you were able to live your life, why in the world wouldn’t you be able to live without them again right if they do something really stupid to you! please think about it! you’re an individual, retain that individuality when you get in a relationship. wouldn’t it be better when there are 2 wholes together rather than 2 halves making a whole? wouldn’t it just be better?

back to cheating..for me there are 2 kinds of cheating: physical cheating and emotional cheating. physical cheating sure does hurt big time…when your in a relationship it is expected for you to be physically monogamous…though physical cheating is so damn hard, it may be possible that the person just had sex, or kissed somebody else, or held hands with another, but emotionally is not there..it’s just for the pleasure of it..and nothing more..but hell, i won’t tolerate physical cheating even if he’s doing it just for the sake of biga! i remembered one time while me and my partz were enjoying a few drinks and we got to the topic of cheating..i told him that if he ever gets to kiss another girl (whether he likes her or not), it’s over for me..and he said he feels the same way too..at least we’ve established a consensus on that!  but huh! emotional cheating for me would be far more stinging!! your with someone but his heart is with somebody else, or your sharing his heart with somebody else..although he is not doing anything physical about it..shit! that would surely suck!!that would be a slap on the face! it’s like not having his heart all for yourself..and the scarier thing is when the other person gets the bigger percentage of his love..huh!! The thought of being cheated on is scary..and i sure do pray it would not happen to me…i’d rather be dumped than cheated! so before you feast on someother chick, get rid of me first..as i’ve told wati, "i don’t wanna share" it’s either i have all of him or nothing. i’d rather him be mean than love and lie! but if ever i’d be cheated upon (oh God, please no!), it would feel like i’m being stabbed a hundred times, i’d cry, i’d cry my heart out..i know i’d lash out stingy words, i’d probably give one last scream fest,  then i’d leave, and then i’d drink from my cup of grievance, i’d allow myself to be angry, to feel intense, what’s the point of pretending to be ok right? i’m hurt, i’m in pain, so why not feel every bit of it..and even though it might take a long time for me, i sure have no doubt i’ll get over it and i’d be happy again!!

crash

my new friend and i have been in constant correspondence lately and my God do we have a lot in common!!! just by our talent for writing (talent sa kataas au mo suwat bah..hahaha) we already are a match…and everytime we receive a new mail from each other, we figure out more things that we mutually share..get this..even our blood types match!! B+ lang gud, so if in case i get dengue hemorrhagic fever for the fourth and last time ( Oh! God forbid!) i now have candidate for blood transfusion! hahah! And by the way for those who have B+ blood type, if ever I’d be bitten by that stupid virus carrying bitch of a mosquito again, huh, spare my parents the panic they had the last time I was stricken, when blood came oozing out of my long bridged nose (hahah..as if!) and scared the shit out of them and made them frantically rummage around for B+ people and cost them a hefty amount of money just testing friends who bravely gave out their hands in hope of saving me from peril…char! heheh. But seriously guys, help me in my hours of need..heheh..but more importantly, help me pray that those hours of need would never ever occur again..huh! just can’t take having bruised arms again after more than 3 CBCs and injections a day! huh!! Just can’t let my body CRASH that way again!

ok, goin’ back to my new friend…taas au commercial gud..heheh..recently we had been talkin’ about really heavy stuff and sometimes emotionally draining topics..and lately,we’ve been talkin’ about breaks up.. “could you give something that you never had?” I told her a very very old tiff with my beau, (hala very very old nmn pud diay mi..1 month and a few more days and then we hit the big three.. heheh) when at that time he said it’s ok if we break up since he had been through that before… frankly, when he told me that, my world CRASHED, and I was seriously thinking… what the hell would be the reason for me to stay when it would just be easy for him to let me go? My new friend, who happens to be his previous love (I know most would find it weird why I’m keeping in touch with my current’s past love..some would even find the prospect unthinkable, even one of my closest friends, guada commented on how weird the bond is hehe..but it works for her (cha)..and it sure damn works for me!) said that it would really be difficult to give something you never had…it’s like he did not get the chance, so why would he give the chance…well, it does make sense..but for me it shouldn’t be like that..coz what you had with another person would be entirely different with another person, so that’s why I’m not up for it…just because I did not get it, doesn’t mean I could not give it, it’s like I’m being unfair to the person coz I’m robbing him of the chance…but that’s just my opinion..i know it’s easier said than done, and I know it’s difficult, but why limit yourself right? I was in torment, I was in grief when he said that years ago…but then he always has a way to make things turn 360 degrees… and after 34 months of being together, I don’t regret, not even once, that I did not let our relationship CRASH…I’m just glad I did not impulsively sever the ties that we had , coz if I did, I wouldn’t have felt so blissful now..

just recently, i asked my partz if i could borrow something i gave him months and months ago coz i wanted to be reminded what i wrote for him and read the things i love about him…but the most unfortunate, heart wrenching thing happened…he lost it! 😦 tore up my heart coz i poured out my feelings making it..and it made me sulk..i wanted to CRASH..and i wanted to be mad at him, but then i have no reason to be mad at him coz it was not his fault in the 1st place…their house help cleaned his closet, and unfortunately cleaned up what i gave as well..:( but my sulking wouldn’t do anything to get it back..and i have no plans of risking my relationship…again (which i almost did weeks before by becoming such a monster, and becoming one hell of a bitchy girlfriend..which almost pushed him away..sorry partz) just because one box full of papers could not be found..it’s heartbreaking, it really is, just even thinking about it now, it’s crushing my heart..but then, that box of papers would not be enough to let me CRASH what i have with him..not this time..uh-uh..not this time..as i’ve posted several weeks before.. "every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back". So your right cha, why hasten the onset of wrinkles right?

CRASH… Last Saturday, I just had my second vehicular accident!! Huh!! I don’t really know I’m driving fast already, up until someone tells me…my cousin was so scared of how fast I was driving, she opted to stay at the back of the multicab and not sit on the front seat, my lolo told my mom I drive a little too fast for his taste, a good friend, ramy, told another good friend, liklik, that I was fast and furious and to think I find ramy’s driving so fast and so furious..heheh..and my constant reklamador..my partz..heheh. But last Saturday, it just sucks since that time I was driving so carefully, not my usual hasty style, and I get into a car accident! Huh! So frustrating..not that I wish I’d figure into a car accident when I’m driving like crazy, which by the way, I really do not do (wink**)…but really my speed was just at 20 kph, and it was kinda traffic in talamban so no reason to push down the accelerator, but a stupid driver of a red Starex, was driving unusually fast, and CRASHED directly at us!! And because of the impact, we CRASHED into the vehicle in front! Huh!! So scary!! I hyperventilated! And I look really awful when I hyperventilate coz My hands just freeze! Literally!!! It’s a good thing I did not have an asthma attack! We were lucky that aside from a dented front and back, guada and I just felt slight pains at the back of our heads because of the collision, and nothing serious..huh! scared the shit out of me! And huh! Sorry nlng to the driver..a certain R.R., sorry nlng multicab ra imo gi banggaan, and the damage was not significant..sorry nlng, lumping au imo! it’s your fault anyway! So u deserved it! You should have been a little more careful to drive in a congested place at that speed..and lucky for you asshole, that you CRASHED to us, and not some other person who would be more than glad to drag you to court and get a large amount of money from you! Huh!! ur lucky we were more intent on getting to bida’s party and not give you one hell of a screamfest..heheh. huh! one lucky bastard!